Thursday, April 5, 2012

Compelled to be Humble

“Because ye are compelled to be humble blessed
are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to
be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely,
whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that
findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same
shall be saved” (Alma 32:13).

The first time I realized I had an addiction was about eight years ago.  I'd grown up struggling with what seemed like an uncontrollable compulsion to seek out pornography, but the idea of addiction had not even entered my mind--not until I was older and thought I'd dealt with my habit.  But then, when I allowed it to creep back into my life and I saw how it was affecting my ability to love and serve my wife, and to care for my children, I had to admit to myself, to my Bishop, and to my wife that I was, and still am, an addict.

I am an addict.

Those are four hard words to say. 

Say them again.

I am an addict.

I am addicted to pornography.

Now, say,

The Savior is healing my addiction.

I am healing my addiction.  The savior loves me, I love myself, and my happiness and peace of mind are too important to allow an addiction to take over my life. 

I think what has compelled me to seek forgiveness has was firs fear that I might ruin my life, that if I allowed my addiction to control me that it would ruin me; second fear that I might ruin my marriage and my relationship with my children; third, fear that I might lose opportunities to help others.

Even now, as i write this blog, I do it out of a sense that if i don't keep treading water, climbing the latter, I'll never get out of this mess and it will dog me for the rest of my life. 

Two years ago, a bishop invited me to go through this manual, and I didn't think much of it.  I had may addiction "under control" I thought, and even with the occasional slip up or 'white-knuckle week', I was doing fine. 

And, ironically, it has been this pattern of being almost out of the water that has finally compelled me to work my way through this book.

It seems to me that there is power in all this self-reflection and introspection.  It's time to be honest about who i am and what I really want. 

Answer: I am a child of God, a husband, a father, a friend, a disciple.
Answer: I want peace, power in the priesthood, harmony, love, the ability to see and feel and hear and touch and taste the world as it really is, not as it appears through the numbing fog of addiction.

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