Tuesday, March 27, 2012

How Have I lied about my addiction?

"Without honesty, our lives . . . will degenerate into ugliness and chaos" --Gordon B. Hinckley•

Oooh, honesty time here...I have lied in so many ways about my addiction, how can I even start..

  • deleting browser histories
  • lying to my wife about time spent online
  • downplaying the addiction to priesthood leaders
  • downplaying the addiction to myself
  • I've lied to myself about what type of behavior constitutes "acting out." 
  • I've lied to myself about the easiness of repenting
  • I've lied to myself about my ability to "control" myself
  • I've lied to myself and about how acting out effects my decision making, my patience, my charity, my desire to love and serve
I know there are so many other ways that I have lied to myself, to others, and to God either directly or indirectly and the chaos it has created has been frustratingly obvious.

When I am preoccupied by sex because of my addiction, I hold my wife to unfair expectations about my sexual needs.

when I lie about my addiction I damage the trust in my relationship with my wife.

When I lie about my addiction I lose the Spirit, lose my priesthood power, loose my authority and credibility with my children.

When I lie about my addiction I feel physically ill, I  feel worthless, and i alternate between hating myself and hating everyone around me and hating hte situation that I'm in and the powerlessness that i feel.

Ugliness is a lack of beauty, a lack of the qualities that induce pleasure, peace, goodwill...ugliness is the opposite of godliness, when I lie, I am damaging my soul, I am weakening my faith, and undermining my efforts to recover.

Chaos is a lack of order, a lack of control and structure, a lack of a plan, a lack of a purpose. God works in beauty and order and lying disrupts both...

"For Zion must increase in beauty, and in holiness; her borders must be enlarged; her stakes must be strengthened; yea, verily I say unto you, Zion must arise and put on her beautiful garments."  D&C 82:14

Part of the beautiful garments of  Zion is honesty--a robe of integrity and truth that can only be worn by those are honest with themselves, others, and God.

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