Deliverence from Bondage

"They were in captivity, and again the Lord di deliver them out of Bondage by the power of his word" - Alma 5:5

Some things I am willing to do today to receive His Word


I open the scripture sporadically at best. Weeks go by in which you might say, I've nailed down the scripture habit, and then something disrupts the schedule and I don't crack the book on my own for weeks at a time.  Not that I don't think about it.  but there is always, it seems, something else in the way.

The irony of all this is that pornography comes so easily.  Or it would.  It's a daily fight to resist the temptation to view pornography.  Can you imagine that kind of compulsion to read the scriptures?

I've thought about this a lot.  Pornography and other serious addictions aside, why is it so easy to keep turning the pages of a good novel or turn on one more episode of that show on Netflix, and yet its so difficult to spend even ten minutes a day in the Word? 

Escapism?

Selfishness?

comfort?

Yeah, I think it has something to do with all of these things.  I enjoy being in another world, focused on someone else' successes and failures so I don't have to worry about my own. TV is fun, entertaining, and distracting. It is easier than facing the work I have to do, the problems that need solving, the character flaws that need addressing.

Scriptures, though, they are instruments of change. They are spiritual weight machines.  A visit to the doctor, the counselor, the financial planner. When I read the scriptures, it forces me to consider my spiritual health, to consider the state of my spiritual bank account.

Just the other day I was planning an FHE lesson on honesty, and found myself feeling like a hypocrite.  Studying the words of prophets and the scriptural stories that underscore the importance of honesty, I could see places in my life where I could be more honest. Where I could face the truth with more integrity.  And that is painful.  Its much easier to turn on the television.

Hmm...

So, the Word...what am I willing to do to receive His word in my heart?  For starters, I'm willing to face the reality of my life as I read the scriptures. I am willing to act on the promptings of the Holy Ghost as they come to me. I am willing to take advantage of the resourcess out there.

I am willing to listen to a conference talk on my way home from work.
I am willing to read the Ensign magazine each month.
I am willing to pray over my studies, and ask for help and guidance and strength.
I am willing  to listen to promptings and act on them.

I am willing.

Really, that's all I've got, my will.   And this is perhaps why it is so hard.  My addiction has sapped some of my will.  and I am fighting to get it back (and also FRIGHTENED to get it back. When I acknowledge that my decisions come down to an exercise of my will (even in the face of addiction) then I must take responsibility for my actions.

In general conference this past weekend, Russell M. Nelson spoke on Self Mastery.

A pivotal spiritual attribute is that of self-mastery—the strength to place reason over appetite. Self-mastery builds a strong conscience. And your conscience determines your moral responses in difficult, tempting, and trying situations. 

 Self-mastery is a "pivotal spiritual attribute," meaning that other spiritual attributes and abilities turn on our relative self-mastery.  This is really a profound statement.  Our ability to live and work and serve in the Kingdom (in our homes, in our callings, in our communities) is directly related to our own level of self-mastery.  God really does want our wills, and nothing else.

Elder Nelson goes on to say:

Why the need for self-mastery? God implanted strong appetites within us for nourishment and love, vital for the human family to be perpetuated. When we master our appetites within the bounds of God’s laws, we can enjoy longer life, greater love, and consummate joy.

Self-mastery and human appetite are intrinsically linked--whether that be appetites for food, sex, wealth, praise, or whatever, and those appetites are an essential part of our growth as human beings (and I'd say, based on D&C 93:33-34 that learning to master these appetites is an essential part of our eternal progression as well).

So I might measure my own progression by measuring my own self-mastery...

...and I might measure my own self-mastery by looking critically at my willingness to turn my WILL over to God...

....and my willingness to turn my WILL over to God is directly related to my willingness to TRUST the Savior and follow his example, relying on his atonement to overcome my weaknesses...

and I gain trust, respect, and faith in the Savior by reading his Word and applying it in my life.

If this is true, then receiving His WORD is really the first step in the long process of self-mastery.

Write about your need to draw on the redeeming
(liberating, transforming) power of Christ....

Wow...so the word "need" is a tough one.  I think I often feel like I don't "need" anyone, or that I shouldn't "need" anyone, but of course this is stupid.

And stupid is not helpful.

But really, I think the heart of this addiction issue is the stubborn inability to acknowledge that I might need something at all.  The addiction is all I "need," or at least that is what I tell myself when I act out, when I rationalize my behavior, when I refuse to do the things I know will help.

But the truth is I do need the Savior. In fact, his healing power is the only way to overcome my addiction.  The power of Christ is liberating.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is ^aeasy, and my burden is light." Matt 11:30

 The rest the savior is talking about is the rest for our souls.   And it is sin that makes our souls tired.   We labor under its burden and we are heavy laden with guilt, shame, insecurity, doubt, and worry.  The atonement gives us rest from those feelings, repentance frees us from the oppression of sin and invigorates us with the power and sanctifying influence of the Holy Ghost. We are literally transformed by the atonement because we become receptacles of light.

So what about learning of the Savior.  he says "take my yoke upon you." This means that we are to convert and live the disciples life.  We covenant to serve and sacrifice and be obedient.  And such obedience qualifies us for the companionship and cleansing influence of the Holy Ghost.

Interesting that he commands us to learn of him, and the reason is that he is meek and lowly of heart.  Meekness and humility--a willingness to sacrifice our own wills--are requisite for conversion and discipleship.

So he is saying that he we should take his yoke upon ourselves and that in order to that succesfully we should learn of him and do likewise.

So learn of the Savior and do his will. This is the Gospel plan for freeing us from sin.

How am I more aware of Jesus Christ and his power in your life than you were in the past?

"If ye will awake and arouse your faculties even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yeah, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a a portion of my words." - Alma 32:27

Awareness.

It's funny how awareness diminishes during stress.

How the world narrows to a dark tunnel when life becomes difficult.  I find that I am least aware, that I become less astonished by the goodness of God as my life gets more difficult. Then, when I'm at the bottom and I've looked down as long as  I can, then I finally look up.  It's as if I've been holding my breath, refusing to take in air, and then finally I give in.  When I am least aware, it is is difficult for me to reach out to God, to recognize the blessings in my life, and to feel gratitude and humility.  And when I am least aware of myself and my situation, and who I  really am in relation to God, then it is easiest to succumb to temptation.

When I am least aware, I am unable to give my children the attention, love, and guidance they need.  When I am most aware, I make time for my children, I patiently guide them, and I parent them with love.

When I am acting out, when I am trolling the internet for illicit images, I am unaware of my surroundings, I am choosing to shut myself off from God, and I become fixated on one thing, and that one thing consumes all my other decisions.

Today I am more aware of Christ's power than I have been because I recognize the good in my life when I am worthy of the Holy Ghost.   That influence and peace comes from the Savior.  I appreciate the promptings of the Holy Ghost when I sit down to my computer. I appreciate that God never leaves me (even if I try to leave him). I appreciate that forgiveness I have felt, the sweet peace of prayer, the kind and patient Bishops who have let me call them or email them when I am feeling weak.  I appreciate my wife and my children for loving me inspire of me. I appreciate the job I have, the blessing of an income, a home, a car, a backyard, a child who crawls up on my lap to hug me just because I'm Dad.

Today I am grateful.

Healing

“If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou
canst be healed” (Alma 15:6, 8)

 When we think of healing, we usually think about our bodies. What else about you might require the healing power of Jesus Christ?

The need to be healed implies a wound or a sickness, so really this questions is asking in what ways am I wounded and it what ways am I sick?

Wounded

I find myself thinking that I shouldn't be "wounded," that the idea of having a wound that has been inflicted on me by someone else implies a victim, and I don't want to be a victim.  But waht if that wound has been self-inflicted....what if my spiritual wounds are my own doing?  That's not victimhood then, that's owning my actions and their consequences.

So, how have I wounded myself? How have made myself sick?

My spirit is weak, it is sick....I have allowed myself to become disensitized to to entertainment that drives away the spirit.  This is a wound that needs healing.

My body is weak, it is wounded...I have allowed my mind and body to be controlled by an addiction and that means my body and mind are not working the way they should, or could if I were not wounded physically and emotionally.


It is also true that my interaction with others--both how I have been treated and how I treat others--has made my spirit sick and has wounded my body, and the savior can heal that too.  He can give me the power to overcome my own self-consciousness, he can help me fear God more than man, he can grant me peace in righteous living, he can help me "Be still and know that I am God."

And the Lord said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.

The Israelites only had to look and live.  So it is my duty and my salvation to look to God.  and if I am looking to God, then it is a lot harder to veer off course.

Divine Strength for Recovery

How can the gift of divine strength enable you to
maintain continuous recovery?

Psalms 59:17  Unto thee, O my strength, will I sing:
 for God is my defence, and the God of my mercy. 

The Psalmist sings that God is his defence... in what way though?  When I need defending, in what way does God accomplish that for me? It would seem thait has something to do with the power that comes from:

1) divine grace-this is the power given to us by God through the Goodness and mercy of God.  This is the addedd power and strength that comes from the atonement, it is a gift from God and it is his way of empathizing with our mortal situation.  This is not predicated on our obedience or on our worthineess, but comes straight from God's love, compassion, and charity.  And it is this reason that charity is long suffering...because God is long suffering...God continues to give us his Grace even in the face of our struggles to be obedient.

2) obedience to God's commandments.  In addition to strengthening us through is grace, god strengthens us by granting us a portion of his Spirit according to our obedience to His commandments.  God cannot grant us more of his Spirit without our obedience. 

D&C 121:47: Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

So, this is perhaps what it means when Nephi says we are saved by Grace after all that we can do.  Not that Grace makes up for our gap between Earth and Heaven, but that after all we can do, it is by grace that we are saved.  Nothing we can do on our own will ultimately save us. That will come by the Grace of God.  It is a divine gift.  But to be exalted, to receive all the father has, to be strengthened by the Lord so that our confidence waxes strong, we must be obedient to God's commandments.  Our job is not to save ourselves, but to follow the Savior and be what he would have us become, and leave the saving to him. When follow the savior, he blesses us with more of his Spirit, which makes it easier to follow him more.

So if divine strength is going to help me through continuous recovery I must

1) rely on divine grace. Pray for it, look for it, and acknowledge it when I see it.

2) seek the strengthening power of the Holy Ghost.  Live obediently, act on promptings, stand in holy places.

Will do!

-AC

The Gift of Grace

“Let us . . . come boldly unto the throne of grace, that
we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time
of need” (Hebrews 4:16).

When I can think of the idea of acting out and even the thought seems abhorrent...that is grace.

When the face of my children remind me of my own nothingness, and my own reliance on God...that is grace.

When I am blessed for my efforts despite my imperfections...that is grace.

When the scriptures remind me to repent, and remind that God is patience....that is grace.

When I am blessed with opportunities to serve and the spirit supports me in that service...that is grace.

When my wife embraces me in spite of my weakness...that is grace.

When the sacrament soothes my spirit...that is grace.

I think that part of receiving God's  Grace is akin to receiving the Holy Ghost.  Both Grace and the HG are granted unto us, but it is our job to receive it.  Unless we are willing to accept God's grace, it can do little for us.    And I think we accept that grace by doing the Lord's will, by "entering into his rest."  Relying on God's grace means giving up the toil of mortality in as much as it pertains to trying to figure out on our own how to make it through the world.  When we enter into the Lord's rest, we decide to include him in all of our decision making and in so doing we receive grace, peace, forgiveness, and confidence.  This is the Lord's rest--not a rest from challenges, but a rest from the anxiety and despair of the world. We can have hope...I have hope that through the Savior Jesus Christ I can be forgiven.

-AC

The Savior’s compassion

“Straightway the father of the child cried out, and said
with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief”
(Mark 9:24).

It's been a rough 24 hours.  I haven't acted out, but I did follow a link to a new article about pornography that led me to some censored photos related to the story.  It was the pornography addiction equivalent of walking into the liquor store and running my fingers over the bottles without actually buying anything to take home.

And when I do that, when I let Satan keep his hook in me, when I try to keep even one toe in that world, the Spirit withdraws and it makes it very difficult to love my wife, to patiently parent my children, and to focus on my work.  This was a little misstep, a hiccup that could have been much worse, but it is also a reminder that I am still addicted, that it only takes one moment of weakness combined with the right series of stressers for me to relapse, and I am not ever going to do that.

I used to wonder, before I started this program, when I would relapse. It was almost an inevitable thing for me--i wondered how long I would be sober, except that I didn't use that language because I didn't think of my problem as an addiction.  I thought about it terms of will power. How long can I hold out this time?  And inevitably I would screw up and feel absolutely miserable.

Now I don't think in terms of relapse, but in terms of these little moments.  I have decided never to view pornography again. I will not view pornography again.  I have also accepted the fact that I temptation is part of life, that my triggers will be my triggers and that I will have to face that temptation in a variety of forms  forever.  I have accepted that some days will be harder, that some days I will go down paths that will leave me feeling the way I am feeling right now, but I am also determined to keep my eyes wide open, to to recognize when I am going down those paths and step back. I am determined to take the steps necessary to allow the atonement to work in my life. And I will feel better soon. For now I am grateful for the sensitivity of the Spirit that doesn't allow me to rationalize away anything.

And mostly, I am grateful for the Lord's compassion and patience with me.  This whole time he has stood beside me, waited for me to make the decision to seek his help, to work through my addiction with fear and trembling before him.  I know I cannot do it alone Lord, and I am grateful that there is always a second chance, that no matter how late the hour, that I can come to him and find rest.

-AC

Faith in Jesus Christ

“Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord
Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to
be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand
every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the
Lord Jesus Christ” (Alma 37:33).

I think for most of my growing up years, and the first few years of my marriage after my addiction resurfaced, I thought that it would just take will power to get over it.  I expected friends or priesthood leaders to hold me accountable, and i expected to be able to keep one foot in the addiction by viewing soft-core, or other titillating  material while telling myself that as long as I avoided hardcore pornography that I was okay.

Sometimes the addiction cycle felt like a slow ferris wheel, other times it felt like a tilt-a-whirl, but always i felt like the addiction was in control and that I was at its mercy.

It wasn't until I realized (and I'm still realizing this every day), that I needed to leave myself at Christ's mercy in order to no longer be at the mercy of my addiction.  Today I know better than ever that Christ is in control, if I let him be.  That his mercy and grace are sufficient for me if I humble myself and do his will. If i serve and sacrifice and love and pray and repent and rely on his goodness, then I have the power to overcome my weaknesses, to make them strengths, and to use my own challenges to help others.

Believe in God, Believe God

“Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created
all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he
has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in
earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the
things which the Lord can comprehend” (Mosiah 4:9).

What evidences of God and His love have you experienced?

I think the love of God manifests itself most often in my life through my children. Each one is a small grace, a perpetual gift form God, a reminder of what it means to be innocent, pure, and utterly good.

I feel God's love through the healing power of forgiveness, the peace that comes from repentance, the cleansing influence of the Holy Ghost.

I feel God's love through the sanctifying process of sacrifice and service. When I visit with someone who is suffering, strugging, or shaking in their feeble knees, I feel the power and love of God reaching out to them, and I want to be there for them.

I feel God's love and power when he grants me opportunities to step up and be better, when he patiently waits for me to come around.

I feel God's love and power in the scriptures that I read, in the sacrifices that were made to bring them to me, and in the words he gave to his inspired prophets.

"Self-Imposed Isolation"

"Eventually you will find yourself ready to
kneel and pray aloud. You will find how good it feels to
express your feelings and needs to God. You will feel you
have reopened a conversation with someone who will
always answer you, not always with a yes but always with
love. At last you will begin to experience the healing
effects of breaking out of self-imposed isolation."

Self-Isolation is an interesting concept in light of that famous footsteps poem. I don't think God ever really withdraws from us.  we can shut out the Holy Ghost from our hearts but he is always right outside the door, so to speak, waiting for us to let him back in.  We isolate ourselves by holding up something in front of our eyes so closely that it blocks out the reality that the Savior is standing right beside us. We isolate ourselves by closing our eyes tightly, by turning our head, by plugging our ears, by screaming to be "left alone" because sometimes dealing with the truth seems to hard.

But I think it seems most hard when we don't see hope for ourselves.  If all we see are our failures and mistakes, then its hard to feel God's love, hard to accept that he accepts us, hard to be okay with being human.


Consider Alma's words to Corianton, who, of all the characters in the scriptures, is probably our best example of a recovering sex addict (though there is not suggestion that he was addicted, only that he allowed himself to be tempted away by a harlot--which is kind of how it starts for all of us, right?"

 30 O my son, I desire that ye should deny the ^ajustice of God no more. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do you let the justice of God, and his ^bmercy, and his long-suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in ^chumility.

I must be humble in order to see God in my life, in order to bring myself out of isolation.  I appreciate that Alma exhorted his son not only to focus on the justice of God, but also on his mercy and his long-suffering.  These are the two characteristics of God that allow the atonement to work in my life, but they are also the two that I have to choose to take advantage of.  God won't save me in my sins, nor will he force me to repent, but he will be merciful when Ido repent, and he will suffer my infirmities, weaknesses, and habits as long as it takes for me to turn to him.

I am turning to him today.

"The action required in step 2 is simply to become willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost."

-AC

Introduction to Step 2

"As we took step 2, we became willing to replace trust in ourselves and our addiction with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ. We took this step in our minds and in our hearts, and we experienced the truth that the foundation of recovery from addiction must be spiritual."

Step Two.  I'm here.  I'm not sure I've completed step one.  Being completely honest with myself and with others. I've been so busy lately that I feel very much like I've been going through the motions. Little time for my wife, little time for much of anything except for work and my calling.  I've been able to spend a little time with my children, and my wife and I spend some evenings together, but for the past two months I have felt pretty disconnected from meaningful life...I think I'm just exhausted and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm facing deadlines at work, and stressful responsibilities at Church and I am not getting the sleep I need and I have little patience for my children or for my wife...The ironic thing is that usually this woudl be pushing me to act out, but I haven't struggled with that very much recently either beyond the typical nagging voice in the back of my mind that reminds me I have an addiction.

What I'm feeling right now is different than "going through the motions," because I don't feel like I'm not accomplishing anything, more like I don't feel I have the balance in my life that I need. And of course it is when I feel most out of balance that I am likely to screw up. So, what can I do to get myself back in balance?

I'm glad to be starting step two.  I feel like my happiness, my ability to resist temptation, and my ability to succeed at work depend a great deal on my sense of hope.

I know that I can and should rely on the Savior, Jesus Christ,  to help me through these moments.  I know that his gospel will give me hope, that obedience to his Gospel will secure that hope for the long term, and I know that hope in Jesus Christ's atonement will ultimately save me from myself.

"The tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and . . . the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us” --Elder Bednar