The Savior’s compassion

“Straightway the father of the child cried out, and said
with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief”
(Mark 9:24).

It's been a rough 24 hours.  I haven't acted out, but I did follow a link to a new article about pornography that led me to some censored photos related to the story.  It was the pornography addiction equivalent of walking into the liquor store and running my fingers over the bottles without actually buying anything to take home.

And when I do that, when I let Satan keep his hook in me, when I try to keep even one toe in that world, the Spirit withdraws and it makes it very difficult to love my wife, to patiently parent my children, and to focus on my work.  This was a little misstep, a hiccup that could have been much worse, but it is also a reminder that I am still addicted, that it only takes one moment of weakness combined with the right series of stressers for me to relapse, and I am not ever going to do that.

I used to wonder, before I started this program, when I would relapse. It was almost an inevitable thing for me--i wondered how long I would be sober, except that I didn't use that language because I didn't think of my problem as an addiction.  I thought about it terms of will power. How long can I hold out this time?  And inevitably I would screw up and feel absolutely miserable.

Now I don't think in terms of relapse, but in terms of these little moments.  I have decided never to view pornography again. I will not view pornography again.  I have also accepted the fact that I temptation is part of life, that my triggers will be my triggers and that I will have to face that temptation in a variety of forms  forever.  I have accepted that some days will be harder, that some days I will go down paths that will leave me feeling the way I am feeling right now, but I am also determined to keep my eyes wide open, to to recognize when I am going down those paths and step back. I am determined to take the steps necessary to allow the atonement to work in my life. And I will feel better soon. For now I am grateful for the sensitivity of the Spirit that doesn't allow me to rationalize away anything.

And mostly, I am grateful for the Lord's compassion and patience with me.  This whole time he has stood beside me, waited for me to make the decision to seek his help, to work through my addiction with fear and trembling before him.  I know I cannot do it alone Lord, and I am grateful that there is always a second chance, that no matter how late the hour, that I can come to him and find rest.

-AC

Giving in to addiction

What situations or feelings weakened you so you gave in to your addiction?

Situations
Well this is easy, right now I am at work and the regular sensation is--"Here I sit facing something uncomfortable and challenging, but it would be so easy to click away to something stimulating, something that would let me escape."

When I am alone on a business trip.  The very fact of being in a hotel room is a trigger.  I think I am afraid of being alone, of feeling alone.  Which is ironic because I often stay up late so that I can have some alone time (ironically not typically a time of temptation for me), but when I am alone I don't like the feeling of being alone.  I think part of the reason that being on a business trip or being home alone for long periods of time becomes a trigger is because there is less a concern about getting caught.

And, of course, that is a fact that bugs me to no end, that causes a lot of shame.  If virtue is a measure of our behavior when no one else is looking, then how virtuous am i if the first thing I think about when I'm alone for any stretch is going to look up some pornography? Hmm...

Feelings
I think the feelings that most commonly cause me to fall into temptations are feelings of loneliness and lack of control. Initially it was curiosity.  As a teenager I was fascinated by sex and sexuality and the idea of it all, but that curiosity led me to seek out pornography as a way to feel in control of something.

Sex, is after all, about control.  The best sex is the sex that allows you to completely give up control of yourself and expose yourself emotionally and physically to another person without fear or shame. And if you believe, as I do, that masturbation is a sin, and that having sex with someone who is not into it, or who is simply doing it for you, is worse than not having sex at all, then when it comes down to it, your sex life (my sex life) is entirely in my wife's control.

Because I want to have sex more often than she does, she, by default, controls when we have sex.  She either says yes or no, and that is that.  This puts me in an awkward position because emotionally I connect sex with acceptance, intimacy, and approbation (if she is making love to me, then she approves of me - I'm doing something right. If she is not making love to me, then she disapproves and I must be a failure).  I would like to have sex more often, but I don't want her to do it just to please me - I want her to want me.

Is that co-dependence?  Or is that how its supposed to be? I mean, isn't a man supposed to want to sleep with his wife and vice-versa? And I know that a lot of regular life gets in the way of having the time and emotional space to take an hour to be intimate together, but it seems to me that sex shouldn't be something that one spouse should have to convince the other spouse about.

"Hey, this is really great, you know, trust me, we should try it some time."

Especially when for me, sex is so much about pleasing your partner.  If it were just about orgasm, then it would be a different story, but the mutual act of opening ourselves up to each other is about so much more than that.

So the long and the short is this. I don't feel in control of my own sexual needs.  And pornography is a counterfeit answer to those needs. I don't have to ask anyone. I don't have to wait for someone to be in the mood, or to not be stressed out. I don't have to give back rubs or foot rubs.  I don't have to wonder and worry if she is really enjoying herself or if she's faking. It's counterfeit for sure, but it seems "easier" at the time then engaging in the difficult work of navigating a real intimate relationship.

Of course its not easier, and the more I seek out counterfeit intimacy, the more difficult it is to communicate clearly with my wife about our relationship. That's the definition of a vicious cycle.

I find it terribly embarrassing to feel like I'm in the position of begging for sex.  Even as I write, I can feel rage creeping up inside of me. The idea that women can be so out of touch with what their husbands needs are that a man has to ask over and over again for sex.

Just the phrase "asking for sex" sounds pitiful.

Shouldn't it be something we give willingly, because we love each other?  Shouldn't a husband's sexual needs be as important as anything else in the relationship.

Now, if the husband doesn't know how to meet his wife's sexual needs, that's one thing, but what about husbands who have that figured out (I spend 90% of my time in love-making doing things for her that are designed to help her enjoy herself), and I still feel like I can't ask her for things, can't expect her to do the same for me, like the very act of her being willing to join me in bed should be thanks enough. 

Hence, one big reason for the pornography addiction.

ugh.

Encompassed by temptations

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. “And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.“He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (2 Nephi 4:18–21).

Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often?

Sitting at my computer, trying to get work done, struggling to resist the gnawing compulsion in the back of my mind. That is when I feel most encompassed and trapped.   I discovered a long time ago that I used pornography as a way to avoid pain (or work, or church assignments, or anything else that wasn't "pleasurable"). It was a quick escape, the easy way to forget about the responsibilities I faced.  I have had moments where I've gone to work having made the conscious decision to avoid pornography only to find myself, the moment I sit down at my station, struggling to keep to my conviction. The computer makes it so easy, so anonymous,  so quick.  I am literally encompassed about at work. All I have to do is shut the door to my office and I have access to as much pornography as I want.

It comes in waves though. I can go a week, two weeks, maybe even a few months without feeling much more than an intellectual acknowledgement that an entire world of pornography is just a click away, but then something will happen, some trigger that will remind me of a previous image I'd seen before, or spark some seemingly innocent curiosity, and I will end up spending 10 or 20 minutes looking for ways I can satisfy that curiosity without crossing a line and looking at "actual" pornography.  If I indulge a little, I may spend the entire day back and forth between my work and this "innocent searching."

This is of course, a huge lie, because pornography is pornography regardless of how "serious" it is.  And if I'm looking at it to satisfy some sexual/emotional/chemical need, then the image is pornographic, regardless of the state of undress or the parties present in the image. 

Perhaps this what encompasses me most--this lie that somehow I can live in both worlds successfully, that somehow as long as what I'm viewing is not actually sex, or not actually naked people, that I will be okay.  The ironic thing is that from what I understand of addiction, the dopamine rush and the chemical reaction is charged as much, or more through the anticipation leading up to acting out as the acting out itself, so even if I'm not "going all the way," I'm still maintaining the addiction, feeding it like some virus or infection.  You cannot serve God and mammon for sure, and I cannot kill my addiction if I keep shooting it in the head, but then rushing it to the hospital and hooking up to life support.

It's a little like walking around the liquor store and not buying anything, or on some days, when it gets really bad, its like opening a bottle and taking swig, only to slosh it around my mouth for a moment and spit it out.  Sure, I didn't drink anything, and I may be sober in the strictest sense, but I'm not well.