I just  found the chart below online the other day and I thought I would share it. 

But first, a note about me and my addiction:

 I got my first "hit" of pornography when I was just a kid...like 5 years old, and no one told me, heck, I don't think anyone outside the psychiatric community knew that it could be addictive.  As a teenager, I had bishops tell me that I just needed to be stronger, and that I wasn't serious about repentance.  

I remember being at a fireside on BYU campus and the speaker was talking about eating disorders and pornography addiction. We were in a large auditorium that seats about 700.  The speaker had 1/3 of us  stand up. She said, "You who are standing up, you represent the 1/3 of BYUsudents who suffer from an eating disorder or pornography addiction."  

At the time I was fairly under control --not acting out or actively seeking pornography--but I remember thinking then, "Wow, I have a real problem," because I think I'd always known, or at least a part of me had always known, that I was addicted.  I knew what compulsive behavior was and I knew my desires to seek out pornography were not "normal," that the "need" was much different than my need for food or sleep.

But I didn't know how it worked on a chemical level.  

And now I do.  And it has helped.  I am sober and have been for a while, but every few months I go through a mini version of the acting out cycle wherein I begin to seek out pseudo pornographic images on the web--celebrity photos, swim suit models, etc.... and then I turn off the computer and walk away.  

This always brings out two emotions.  First, a sense of failure that I even went looking, and second, a sense of relief that I was able to pull back from the edge before I'd indulged in anything "really bad."  

Of course, both these emotions are false.  On the first count, I have an addiction, so feeling temptation will always be a part of my life.  To feel like a failure because I felt tempted isn't very helpful. And on the second count,  to feel a sense of relief because I "pulled back," is to fool myself into thinking that for someone with an addiction,  the line between pornography and not-pornography is blurry, when in reality, if I want to be healed, the line must be black and white.  

I imagine its the same as an alcoholic who can't walk past the liquor store or who can't go out to eat at a a bar.  At some point, If I want to be completely healed, I have to be willing to extricate myself from the situation.

Of course, I can't just stop using a computer. But I can keep my office door open.

But I was talking about addiction knowledge and how that has helped. 

This is one way.  When I am tempted to act out, when I venture into the blurry boundary that surrounds obvious pornography, I can feel that chemical high and now I know what it is. When it goes away and I feel empty and I want to replace it with more porn, I know why.  And depending on how far I venture down that path, it can take a day or two or longer for that chemical "need" to wear off.  And I see how this effects the way I view women on the street, the way I interact with my children, the way I treat my wife. 

Knowing I have an addiction has given a face and name to the compulsion and I can longer pretend that its "me," or that its just "who I am," or that I am powerless. Instead I can recognize whats going on and I can focus on clearing my system. 

I can stop blaming my wife for not meeting my "needs" and start repenting for creating artificially inflated "needs" through my pornography addiction.

I can take action to combat the chemical "need" through prayer, through exercise, through breathing exercises, through writing, through service, through talking with a trusted friend.  When I do these things (especially when I'm feeling vulnerable and weak and compulsive), I feel myself becoming stronger, I feel myself gaining more control, and I feel myself healing, or rather, I feel the Lord healing me.  

I think the process of healing from pornography starts with knowing about addiction.  Without that, a person struggling with pornography will think its merely a matter of will power, which is a battle against the self...And pornography addiction isn't about battling the self, its about discovering the self buried beneath the addiction. Every bit of self-discovery, every bit of knowledge that I am a child of God, that I am in control of my future, that I am okay, that I am good, every bit of that is a bit of healing.

And that is a wonderful thing.

I hope that you are healing today in some way.

-AC

The Savior’s compassion

“Straightway the father of the child cried out, and said
with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief”
(Mark 9:24).

It's been a rough 24 hours.  I haven't acted out, but I did follow a link to a new article about pornography that led me to some censored photos related to the story.  It was the pornography addiction equivalent of walking into the liquor store and running my fingers over the bottles without actually buying anything to take home.

And when I do that, when I let Satan keep his hook in me, when I try to keep even one toe in that world, the Spirit withdraws and it makes it very difficult to love my wife, to patiently parent my children, and to focus on my work.  This was a little misstep, a hiccup that could have been much worse, but it is also a reminder that I am still addicted, that it only takes one moment of weakness combined with the right series of stressers for me to relapse, and I am not ever going to do that.

I used to wonder, before I started this program, when I would relapse. It was almost an inevitable thing for me--i wondered how long I would be sober, except that I didn't use that language because I didn't think of my problem as an addiction.  I thought about it terms of will power. How long can I hold out this time?  And inevitably I would screw up and feel absolutely miserable.

Now I don't think in terms of relapse, but in terms of these little moments.  I have decided never to view pornography again. I will not view pornography again.  I have also accepted the fact that I temptation is part of life, that my triggers will be my triggers and that I will have to face that temptation in a variety of forms  forever.  I have accepted that some days will be harder, that some days I will go down paths that will leave me feeling the way I am feeling right now, but I am also determined to keep my eyes wide open, to to recognize when I am going down those paths and step back. I am determined to take the steps necessary to allow the atonement to work in my life. And I will feel better soon. For now I am grateful for the sensitivity of the Spirit that doesn't allow me to rationalize away anything.

And mostly, I am grateful for the Lord's compassion and patience with me.  This whole time he has stood beside me, waited for me to make the decision to seek his help, to work through my addiction with fear and trembling before him.  I know I cannot do it alone Lord, and I am grateful that there is always a second chance, that no matter how late the hour, that I can come to him and find rest.

-AC

Faith in Jesus Christ

“Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord
Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to
be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand
every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the
Lord Jesus Christ” (Alma 37:33).

I think for most of my growing up years, and the first few years of my marriage after my addiction resurfaced, I thought that it would just take will power to get over it.  I expected friends or priesthood leaders to hold me accountable, and i expected to be able to keep one foot in the addiction by viewing soft-core, or other titillating  material while telling myself that as long as I avoided hardcore pornography that I was okay.

Sometimes the addiction cycle felt like a slow ferris wheel, other times it felt like a tilt-a-whirl, but always i felt like the addiction was in control and that I was at its mercy.

It wasn't until I realized (and I'm still realizing this every day), that I needed to leave myself at Christ's mercy in order to no longer be at the mercy of my addiction.  Today I know better than ever that Christ is in control, if I let him be.  That his mercy and grace are sufficient for me if I humble myself and do his will. If i serve and sacrifice and love and pray and repent and rely on his goodness, then I have the power to overcome my weaknesses, to make them strengths, and to use my own challenges to help others.

"Self-Imposed Isolation"

"Eventually you will find yourself ready to
kneel and pray aloud. You will find how good it feels to
express your feelings and needs to God. You will feel you
have reopened a conversation with someone who will
always answer you, not always with a yes but always with
love. At last you will begin to experience the healing
effects of breaking out of self-imposed isolation."

Self-Isolation is an interesting concept in light of that famous footsteps poem. I don't think God ever really withdraws from us.  we can shut out the Holy Ghost from our hearts but he is always right outside the door, so to speak, waiting for us to let him back in.  We isolate ourselves by holding up something in front of our eyes so closely that it blocks out the reality that the Savior is standing right beside us. We isolate ourselves by closing our eyes tightly, by turning our head, by plugging our ears, by screaming to be "left alone" because sometimes dealing with the truth seems to hard.

But I think it seems most hard when we don't see hope for ourselves.  If all we see are our failures and mistakes, then its hard to feel God's love, hard to accept that he accepts us, hard to be okay with being human.


Consider Alma's words to Corianton, who, of all the characters in the scriptures, is probably our best example of a recovering sex addict (though there is not suggestion that he was addicted, only that he allowed himself to be tempted away by a harlot--which is kind of how it starts for all of us, right?"

 30 O my son, I desire that ye should deny the ^ajustice of God no more. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do you let the justice of God, and his ^bmercy, and his long-suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in ^chumility.

I must be humble in order to see God in my life, in order to bring myself out of isolation.  I appreciate that Alma exhorted his son not only to focus on the justice of God, but also on his mercy and his long-suffering.  These are the two characteristics of God that allow the atonement to work in my life, but they are also the two that I have to choose to take advantage of.  God won't save me in my sins, nor will he force me to repent, but he will be merciful when Ido repent, and he will suffer my infirmities, weaknesses, and habits as long as it takes for me to turn to him.

I am turning to him today.

"The action required in step 2 is simply to become willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost."

-AC

Recognizing my own Helplessness

Mosiah 3:19 For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyields to the enticings of the Holy ^fSpirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnatural man and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

 Why is it always children? Jesus said "suffer the little children to come unto me," and he also said, unless we become as a little child, we cannot enter the kingdom of God.  My first inclination is to think of the stress my own children cause me and the lack of rational thinking skills and the sense of entitlement that they often exhibit.  But when I look at a child through God's eyes I see innocence, purity, a desire to serve, a desire to love, a desire to be obedient.  i think most o the problems that my children exhibit are less about who they are internally and more about who i am and how my thirty years of negative behaviors, habits, and hang ups have rubbed off on them. And when i think about that I think the only way to make up for it is to love them and serve them and do my best to apologize along the way.

So, if I am going to become as a child (as god sees them and knows them) and not as  child as I see them and know them, that means I must be

• completely obedient and willing to do whatever he asks,
• curious about the world and what makes it work,
• desirous to learn as much as a I can about the things that matter most,
• willing to sacrifice anything and everything to prepare for the future He has in plan for me.

 A hard lesson for my oldest child to learn is that he needs the experience, wisdom, and knowledge of his parents and that receiving help, guidance, feedback, rebuke, suggestions, or council is not a bad thing....but I think this is a hard lesson for all of us to learn, for me to learn.

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

So addiction is my weakness.   God has certainly shown that to me.  So my job is to be humble, and his grace will be sufficient for me.  I must humbled myself and he can make my addiction an asset.  I'm already seeing this a little bit.  I am in such a better place than I was five years ago. I'm not perfect and I still struggle occasionally with the temptation to view pornography, but I have been sober for a long time and I have recently had the opportunity to help a friend who just came out to his wife about his pornography addiction it has been really hard for both of them.  My addiction, though it is still a weakness is becoming a strength in small ways as I use my own recovery experience to empathize with and support these friends.  

I think that in the way that Alma used his past sins to teach his sons, those of us recovering from pornography addiction, those of us members of the first wave of the internet generations who were unprepared for the challenges of the new world, will have an important, maybe even essential role as the Church moves forward in helping strengthen its priesthood and protect its members from the evils of pornography.

I'm grateful to the Savior Jesus Christ for his atonement, grateful that I can repent and seek his forgiveness, grateful that as I feel the influence of the Holy Ghost that I am sanctified and purified before him, grateful that I can, as  I strengthen myself and become converted, that I can go out and help my brethren.

-AC